	Q&A
	: how to help my daughter deal with friends

Questions and Answers (Q&A) (PCL): School how to help my daughter deal with friends

Most Recently Posted | Ask a Question

My third grade daughter goes to our local Wels grade school. She has a class of 16 with only 4 in the class being girls. It is very evident that there is a " leader" of the girls, and she "sets the rules". This example of what happened today at lunch is what happened throughout the school year last year. The two other girls clamor over the "leader" they want to sit by her, be by her,etc. My daughter told me that today the leader said to the 3, " if you have hot lunch like I do, you are allowed to sit by me, if you have cold lunch, you have to sit at a different table." My daughter, who had cold lunch was not " allowed" to sit at the table with the other girls. When things like this happened last year, I told my daughter that anyone can sit by whoever they wish, that she should not argue over this girl like the others do, because you are all special and nice. That doesn't seem to work anymore because my daughter was very upset when she came home from school. I really did not think this would happen this year, my daughter and the girl who "sets the rules" call each other best friends. They spent a lot of time together over the summer,( my mother passed away, and my daughter stayed with this girls family for several over night visits). Over the summer they acted like equals, but now the second day of school, and things are getting hurtful. The " leader" really is a sweet girl, I just think that the other two girls put her on a pedestal, and she plays the part. What can I tell me daughter ? How does and 8 year old deal with something like this ? Thank you. Diane

Hello Caring and Concerned Mom,

Thanks for writing. I agree that this is something you might want to address sooner than later. It's possible that it all might "go away"if you leave it, but I'd take a bit of action so that you are off to a good start.You are showing such an overall wise view of the entire situation. It's right you take some action.

1st realize this is normal in that it happens in many schools and many grades and in all social situations as well. You can help your daughter realize that and learn appropriate ways to cope with that behavior already! What a great gift to give her. Your daughter will have the gift of learning to get along with all types of personalities, work well with boys in various settings (seeing there are so many), and being kind to others. Think of it that way! And, she gets this gift all in the atmosphere of Christian love shared through out the day in a true Word of God location.

COPING -You said it best in your words you used last school year. Repeat that message to your daughter. Remind her of this bible verse: John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Continue to teach her to remember that God loves everyone, no matter who they are or what they do, Jesus died for all of our sins. God wants us to show love to each other - and teach her that when she is at lunch and recess especially, that means to include and be friendly to everyone. Teach her to look for the one person who might be feeling awkward or be lonely and ask that girl to sit with her. That is a gift for life!

WHEN OTHERS DON'T SHOW THAT LOVE - as is happening in this class, teach her to do as it says in Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Yes, teach her that as God forgives her, she needs to forgive the bossy one and to also suggest, "let's include____" when it happens to be that your daughter is included but another one of the four girls is not (which will undoubtedly happen). When it's your daughter, have her make the most of it, smile and go sit with someone else, or right away tell the teacher what happened and that she isn't sure what to say or do.

NOW........ what about YOU - I strongly feel you should take some action right away when this happens again - not a panic action, but a well thought out plan.

1st - talk to the teacher. Help her see what happens and that it has happened more than once. Mention that you are sure she'll want to be aware of what's happening and make sure a) no one is left out and b) no one is being too controlling in an unpleasant and even mean manner so that feelings are hurt. I'd even ask her if she thinks she might talk to the 4 girls together, but also individually as some of the girls are more leaders, others are more followers, some are insecure about doing the right thing and might just need a little encouragement to include each other, etc. Let her make the decision on how best to handle it, but do talk to the teacher first. Maybe she isn't aware of what happened. She should be if it happens more than once (and it probably will).

2nd - IF and only if it doesn't go well with the teacher, then you could talk to the principal. But, only if the problem continues and isn't resolved.

The teachers and principal are your extra arm in helping you carry out the responsibility God gave you in raising your child in a God fearing manner. Make use of the gift they are. Treat them with utmost respect for what God has called them to do and go to them. They love the children they teach and are watching for these issues - but may miss them as they have so many things they are watching for.

FINALLY - Take it all to the Lord in prayer. Remind yourself and your daughter that God is with her at the lunch table and everywhere she goes. God will watch over her. She is not alone. There is nothing too big for God to handle and make right. God is aware of what is going on and God knows how it hurts your daughter. Trust in Him for he cares for you both!

God bless you as you continue to be such a wonderful God fearing mother! You are doing a great job!

<< Previous Most Recent

Next Most Recent >>

This is recent question #3 of 50

Disclaimer: All materials, opinions, or statements made available through this WEB SITE are those of their respective authors. These materials are being submitted voluntarily with the understanding that such materials may become public information. WELS does not endorse any content nor make any representation or warranty regarding the accuracy or reliability of any such content.