Dear Friend,

It does definitely sound like you're going through a pretty tough time right now.  And I'm guessing that a lot of why it is tough is because you are trying to go through this on your own.  Perhaps because your brother has his needs right now and is going through a touch time too you feel that you have to be strong and not have any needs yourself.  But that's not being honest or fair to yourself or others.  There may be lots of people who would love to encourage and help you right now but you are not allowing them the chance.  It sounds like you worry for and take care of a lot of other people.

Take the risk of being "needy" yourself a little bit.  Because truth is, you are.  And we all are at times.  You probably need to talk to someone about your feelings about your brother, your mom and maybe other things.  My guess is there are some good people out there who would love to listen (maybe even a counselor if you want someone confidential and unbiased).  So, keep your eyes open to it and be willing to have someone to talk to.  It doesn't make you weak but will only make you stronger.  It's OK if people might know that things are not easy for you right now.  It might help them to understand what you're going through.  There may be others who do understand because they've gone through some of the same doubts, fears and frustrations.

My guess is that it may be that your emotions are building up and you may be overwhelmed, maybe even a little depressed.  I'm sure that you have reason to feel all of these emotions.  It is just important to take time to think about and talk about these emotions and what you're thinking that might make you feel these ways.

Feel free to talk to God as well.  Don't cut yourself off from Him too.  He is not your enemy.  His ways may be confusing at times but He is on your side.  He loves you with an unconditional love forever and He wants to see you happier and have things go better for you too.

You mentioned that at times you "don't think you can go on."  If you do feel like you might hurt yourself, it is so important to tell someone and to keep yourself safe.  Because with God's help the future will be awesome.  This is all just temporary and you can go back to feeling good again, and singing in the choir and wanting to go to church.  God will help you.  Give Him a chance to work, through His Word, prayer and other people.  All things are possible with God!  So let God hang on to you.  He won't let you fall.

Thanks for reaching out and asking the question.   Now go talk to someone that you trust who can listen and also help you arrange the next step of possibly seeing a counselor as well.  You may not have to see them long but you may be amazed what just talking for a couple of times can do.  They might be able to help you understand yourself and set up a plan to feel better in the future.

God bless you as you journey with Jesus.